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So you think you want to be a Coastie....
Last Post 28 Jul 2015 07:50 PM by Bells. 9 Replies.
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Old Guard2User is Offline
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25 Nov 2013 07:20 AM
    How to simulate being a Coastie

    Buy a steel dumpster, paint it white inside and out, and live in it for six months.

    Repaint your entire house every month.

    Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

    Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet off the deck.

    When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

    On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees.

    On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.

    On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

    Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

    Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower.

    Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

    Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

    Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

    Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

    Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

    Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.

    Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

    Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 a. m. while she reads it to you.

    Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

    Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

    Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.

    Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

    When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and order them to set GQ1.

    Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

    Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

    Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

    Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

    Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

    Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

    When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

    Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.

    Invite at least 100 people you don't really like to come and live with you for about 6 months.

    Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".

    Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

    Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

    Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.

    Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
    Sector NY, Staten Island
    scoutdad25619User is Offline
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    scoutdad25619

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    25 Nov 2013 09:30 AM
    You couldn't have timed that better... I really needed the laugh!
    DUTY IS DOING IT, PRIDE IS WEARING IT, TRADITION IS LIVING IT. “DUTY FIRST” – CHIEF EDMUND ENWRIGHT, CHICAGO F.D. (RETIRED)
    Old Guard2User is Offline
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    Old Guard2

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    25 Nov 2013 12:14 PM
    Glad I could give you a chuckle! My son sent that to me last night in an email. Some I've seen before, some are new... But they're all funny!

    Hope your day improves!!
    Sector NY, Staten Island
    LauraDKUser is Offline
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    LauraDK

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    26 Nov 2013 06:49 AM
    This is awesome, someone do one for a small boat station!
    "Zombieland Rule #32- Enjoy the little things."
    jasatUser is Offline
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    22 Jun 2015 01:09 PM
    Not to bring a thread back from the grave, but this is exactly what I pictured living on a cutter will be like. Can't wait till after basic!
    Old Guard2User is Offline
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    22 Jun 2015 02:04 PM
    This is one of those old threads that needs to be revised every once in a while.
    Sector NY, Staten Island
    BellsUser is Offline
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    Bells

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    22 Jun 2015 07:37 PM
    These two are my favorite:

    When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

    Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.

    For a Station:

    Buy a bunch of handheld radios. Give your neighbor half of them. Change them all to channels that don't match, and then talk to eachother.

    On Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's shine everything that is metal in your house, just in case someone important comes over, so that they can see that you have shiny metal.

    Once a week, pull all of the weeds in your yard. Do not buy weed killer, it is not as affective as manually pulling the weeds and leaving the roots in the ground.

    Whenever you need to buy something from the store, put it on a list. Do not buy anything on the list however for at least 6 months, but check up on the list at least twice a week.

    Even if you don't drive your vehicle, take it to the gas station to fill it up with gas, just in case there is a hurricane.

    Every morning get with your family on what you are going to do that day, then do not do anything on the list. Afterwards, call your parents and tell them why nothing was done.

    Buy institution grade food. Make the worst meals possible, and then eat them.

    Your friend just called, they are lost somewhere in the neighborhood. Get your family together and drive around for 9 hours. Do not stop to eat or sleep. Once you become totally exhausted, go home. You will find a note from your friend that he was just kidding.

    Your friend calls again. He's lost and is describing where he is. He is by Walmart. You gather your family and tell them you all are going to find your friend. You go to the Walmart parking lot and circle it for 9 hours. When you can't find him, you and your family go home, to see that he left a message, he was at the other Walmart.

    Your spouse and yourself decide that its time for the family to startup private law enforcement protection agency. You then all go to the gun range and to learn how to shoot. You all spend 3 days there and still cannot shoot. Your insurance company says, that's ok, and then gives you body armor rated for the bullets that you use, just in case you shoot eachother.

    You decide it's time for your 3 year old daughter to learn how to drive. You get her behind the wheel and she practices for a few hours. You then go home and write her up a certificate that she is qualified to drive the car by herself.



    Take what you like and leave the rest behind.
    Old Guard2User is Offline
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    23 Jun 2015 03:35 AM
    Bells LOL!!!! 💟
    Sector NY, Staten Island
    jasatUser is Offline
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    jasat

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    28 Jul 2015 01:58 PM
    You decide it's time for your 3 year old daughter to learn how to drive. You get her behind the wheel and she practices for a few hours. You then go home and write her up a certificate that she is qualified to drive the car by herself.

    I was laughing so hard a few people at work were giving me funny looks...
    BellsUser is Offline
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    Bells

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    28 Jul 2015 07:50 PM
    Lol I won't elaborate, but thanks
    Take what you like and leave the rest behind.
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