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scared coastie girlfriend, advice please!
Last Post 04 Jan 2014 08:49 AM by KD. 7 Replies.
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k8lynclunkUser is Offline
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k8lynclunk

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31 Dec 2013 01:32 AM

    -this is my first post so i hope i'm posting it in the correct place!

    my name is katelyn, i'm 21 years old & i am currently in a relationship with a coastie! His name is *Mod Edit*, and we have a rocky past to say the least. We started dating december 2012, into summer 2013. I always knew that the coast guard was his dream, was fully supportive, and we communicated about it often. Well, after he was cleared from meps, things got rocky. He broke up with me a few times, mainly after big arguments, he was scared, but i understood and stood by his side anyway. Until a month into the heavy arguing when he broke up with me for good, i knew he was scared but begged him to change his mind anyways. He didn't. I spent all summer upset, calling and texting him regularly and never got a reply. I stayed in contact with his sisters and when he was shipped off to boot camp they gave me his address, close to his graduation date I finally decided to write him a letter. He never replied, but texted me as soon as he got home telling me he really wanted to see me. My guard was up and i said no, with fear that he would leave and change his mind on me again. Well I made a reggrettable desicion of not seeing him before he left for Kodiak, he continued to try to get in contact with me, facetime calling me, texting me, and even sent me flowers. I finally caved and talked to him, he expressed how sorry he is, and now 3 months in, he still apologizes everyday. He sent me all the letters he wrote me from boot, but never sent me. Long story short, i have decided to be with him again. But i am worried that he only wants to be with me now because he's lonely. So i'm basically stuck in a place where i'm unsure if he honestly wants to be in my life, or is just bored in Kodiak. We facetime everyday, and to me, he seems pretty serious. I've talked to multiple milso's and many say this happened to them because there significant other just gets scared. I guess i just want some feedback if anyone else has been through this and if i'm doing the write thing?
    hope to hear from you soon, and to learn to work this more
    - Katelyn
    GearsUser is Offline
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    Gears

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    31 Dec 2013 08:27 AM
    He left home and moved to Kodiak and after a year of arguments and break-ups he wants you back in his life? I would proceed with extreme caution. For example, I wouldn't uproot my life and go to Kodiak. He just got there, he's experiencing massive culture shock. If you want to support him via Skype etc, do so. But, I recommend you pursue your life. Go to college, get certified in something, find a job, pursue your interests.
    “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” ― Bruce Lee
    KDUser is Offline
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    KD

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    31 Dec 2013 09:44 AM
    What Gears said.
    Write him if you want--- and I suggest snail mail, not electronics, because it takes longer and requires more thought. But this situation is basically a rebound setup, and he will be distracted and insanely busy at his first station, as he should be.
    The distance, culture clash and homesickness involved for you both would NOT be a healthy basis for building a new relationship; just think of trying to find a new job in Kodiak, when you are unsure of your reception.
    Many new graduates marry immediately after boot camp, out of homesickness and loneliness.
    Some last; most don't.
    Get YOURSELF healthy, independent and strong, and see what happens. First and foremost, a long term relationship is built on friendship. Friends don't fight continuously , game each other or behave disrespectfully.
    k8lynclunkUser is Offline
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    k8lynclunk

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    03 Jan 2014 08:45 AM
    Thank you guys for your advice!
    Maybe I worded that wrong, our relationship was great, until thei last month and that's when the arguing started and eventually we broke up. He's been in Kodiak since October and has been trying to contact me since he graduated from boot, letters, flowers, tried to contact me before he left for Kodiak but I thought he was just thinking "oh she'll deffanitly come back and keep me company" so I denied his request of hanging out with him.

    He was rather relentless, sending flowers and letters, calling and trying to skype me frequently. He has friends in Kodiak and he says he likes it there so I don't nessecarily think he is lonely. I guess I meant lonely in the sense of having someone home you know?

    Since my original post he has went out to sea and I got a package in the mail and he wrote me a letter for ever single day he's gone, with a disposible camera so that I can take a picture everyday. He says he's trying to make me as comfortable as possible with the situation and show me that he's serious and just got scared last time.

    I really care about him and hoping for the best but still proceeding with caution. I will not be moving to Kodiak, he will only be there until 2015 so the way I see it (which I also told him) is that if we can survive that and show that we both really want this then by the time he goes to A school (hopefully Elizabeth city, NC) I will also be done school with my bachelors and I would be willing to move there with him, which is what he wants.

    His parents think he's pretty genuine with all this, as do mine.

    I apprieciate the replies! And hats off to all of you because we are only around 3 months in and this is not easy! But hopefully will be worth it.
    KDUser is Offline
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    KD

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    03 Jan 2014 09:31 AM
    That does sound better, k8tlynclunk And my Coastie is my son. But I grew up as a military brat, and married a LE officer; my dad always said my mom had the toughest job in the military.

    You are wise to take your time and finish school. Write each other, and get to know each other. And have some fun.
    k8lynclunkUser is Offline
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    k8lynclunk

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    03 Jan 2014 01:03 PM
    Yeah what's cool is his dad was in the navy, and still works for them and his mom works for the coast guard so not only do they know what we're going through but they're very involved also.

    I really hope we can make this work and obviously he assures me on every email that he isn't going anywhere and he loves talking about us moving in but it's always nice to see other peoples situations and things like that as well.

    He has deffanitly made it a lot more fun then I thought it would be. I love that I have a letter to open everyday, and we both have journals we bought each other to record our days. So were really trying to make the best of it.

    This is his dream and I want to see him excell because he does want a career out of it so I'm ready to do that adventure with him, permitting, of course
    BellsUser is Offline
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    Bells

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    04 Jan 2014 12:48 AM
    You know in Dutch Harbor they say behind every tree there is a pretty girl. That's because there are no trees. Like what everyone else said just be careful.

    In the last year I was seeing someone on another cutter at my last unit, we were both always on patrol but talked almost everyday. When he got back on his last one before we both transfered I ended it because he was just not being good enough. The day before I moved after not talking for weeks he called saying he needed to see me. Like you I said no, and moved away. A couple months later we talked again and he asked when were we getting married. I said no because I knew he wasn't ready. A few months later I went and visited him and what we had at our previous units was just not there anymore.

    I thought the same thing, maybe he was lonely, maybe he regretted how he treated me before, who knows.

    So my best advice would be, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Kodiak is an isolated place where face timing you is literally probably the most fun he can have besides going to the bar everyday. Somewhere like Miami and it could have been a totally different story.

    So sure talk to him, but we really dont know how many years it will take him to go to A-school. And god damn your in college?!?!?! College is the best time of your life. Certaintly dont miss out on that
    Take what you like and leave the rest behind.
    KDUser is Offline
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    KD

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    04 Jan 2014 08:49 AM
    ^what Bells said, too.
    As usual.
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